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Originally Posted by Doctor Faust
Reading all of these responses has told me one thing; self-mutilation can leave physical scars, and emotional scars that you may live with for the rest of your life.
I've already known this, and I know it IS retarded, and it IS a stupid and unreasonable thing to do when you're upset, but at the time when I first started, I felt as if I COULDN'T talk to anyone about my feelings and problems, that no one would listen or really understand, so I just took it out on myself.
I cut yesterday...and bled more badly than I had before. The pain, I realized, wasn't pleasant anymore; it was like hell, burning so much i had to clutch myself to dampen it. But the mixed feelings of physical and emotional pain are hard to deal with, and I was just so afraid, so very afraid...
And I sicken myself now, for at this very moment, i still want to cut. I want to do it again. I'm just disgusted with myself, after going through all of that pain in one night, that I want to go through with it AGAIN.
When people talk about depression, this sort of act is usually associated with it. So I wonder; why the f'ing hell can't I see that I can deal with my depression some other way? Why can't I take out my violent mood-swings on something else besides myself? (Not other people, of course.) Why can't I just constantly keep myself busy with something else? Why don't I go talk to an adult, a counselor or a shrink?
These are all obvious solutions, and yet I don't bother with any of them. And, stupid as I am, I have no idea why.
People cut themselves for a number of reasons, but none of them are as obvious as the solutions presented for solving the problem. I believe that anyone who dos it has a certain reason that cannot be explained in full, even if it IS an obvious one (which contradicts what I just said, but, oh well.)
And cutting DOES give you a sense of control...it is like a freedom that never existed before that you now have, a freedom to control the amount of pain that you have. But I know that it does not fix your thoughts entirely; when the pain finally fades, your original focus on why you're depressed in the first place comes creeping back into your mind.
Some don't know why they are depressed, or why they are really doing it; their minds are just lost, and have no clear direction. Something triggered the urge to injure yourself, and you don't know what it was.
I'm not in that sort of situation, though; I just have pent-up feelings, about the people around me, my future, and everything else that affects/will affect my life, and I'm just so scared of it all. Godammit, I need to f***ing get a grip, and grow the hell up.
I realize everything, and I still want to cut. I'm so f***ing sick of myself, so disgusted with the way I'm acting...And I'm also disgusted that I turned this post into a "oh it's all about f'ing me" rant. God, all I was supposed to do was add another opinion on everyone else's opinions, because this topic is about the act of cutting ITSELF, not f'ing me.
I'm going to shut up now....
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