[Doctor]

I've got a problem that I've been dealing with for almost a year now, and I'm desperate to get it out, desperate to get it out ANYWHERE, so this is what I have to say...

One of my closest friends, and myself, are always FIGHTING. All the godamn time. I swear, since the first day we even MET we've always been arguing about something. Our fights get so out of control, we've ended up HURTING each other and ourselves very badly because of it We end up fighting over the most stupid, ridiculous things, and most of the time, it's MY fault, because I overreact. I overreact whenever he says something that just bugs me, even a little bit. I overreact whenever he says he's busy and doesn't have time to talk to me, or something. I end up crying every time he tells me how much I take things too hard or too seriously or too whatever and throw the situation out of proportion. Our arguements escalate, and they escalate very rapidly, to the point where we're both threatening to kill ourselves, or even to the point where we (especially he) end up hurting ourselves TRYING to kill ourselves. And then HE tries to calm down, while I'm still in this terribly psychotic, angry, suicidal state, and at that point, I don't trust him, or his apologies, or anything he's saying to me. I can't even begin to tell you about the pain we've both gone through because of all this shit that happens. I don't know how the hell I make it out every time we fight. I don't even know why the hell he or I am still ALIVE right now. That's how incredibly INSANE this problem is.

I'm scared to DEATH, because I love him, SO much, I absolutely ADORE him, I would move mountains and part oceans and even commit f'ing MURDER if I had to, all for him. But our friendship (if we ever even had one, due to all the shit that's happened) is falling apart...

I never want to hurt him, EVER, but I always end up hurting him. I don't know why we're still friends. I have no idea why he just doesn't completely block me out of his life, so that we don't have to hurt each other anymore. I don't know why I don't do that myself. But every time I try to tell him that it would be better if we stopped talking to each other, he pleads for me not to leave. I have NO BLOODY IDEA WHY. We're stuck in this neverending cycle of blaming and feeling guilty and fighting and blaming and feeling guilty and fighting repeating itself over and over and over. I try to make it stop, I've tried and tried and tried to make myself a better person so that I WOULDN'T overreact to everything and start the fighting and continuing this hell...but it never STOPS. We never just...get along, even for one day...and I can't TAKE it anymore.

Every day, I just think about wanting to end it by ending MYSELF. I'm tired of inflicting pain, and I'm tired of pain in turn being inflicted upon myself...

I probably sound whiny, selfish and stupid, crying over something that SHOULDN'T be happening because I'm supposed to be mentally strong enough to be able to fix it, and because I'm supposed to be a good friend. But I'm not...and I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm running out of patience. I'm running out of time. I'm running out of everything I thought I had but never even had in the first place. This problem is just one of many I wish I didn't have...just like any other human being, just like everyone else here...but I'm just...tired. I'm really, really tired.

I'm sorry I had to make this so long...but I really needed to get this all off my chest...to anyone who read this, thank you for taking the time, whether you felt that your time was wasted or not...I don't expect anyone to give me advice, or anything...but I just really, really wanted to get my thoughts out to somewhere, anywhere. But, though this is going to sound even more selfish, I'd appreciate anyone who wants to say anything to say anything...and that's all. That's all..