Jokes/funny stories thread.

[Arkacia]

I've started this as a jokes/funny stories thread. If you have favorites or find something on the web (clean of course) that makes you laugh, share it .

I just found this on the net and thought some of you may get a giggle out if it, especially as many of you are in the high school/collage age group .


The Difference Between College And High School

25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip... uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

[Spiff]

Truer words were never spoken.

[ShadowHeart]

Heh, a good read, as such lists usually are

But I had to comment on this (yeah yeah heh):

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

Not true at my old high school.. there everyone had e-mail addresses as far as I know, heck, we were all given e-mail accounts in grade school already (although everyone used hotmail or similar eventually anyway) but maybe we're more computer-integrated in Sweden, I don't know? Then again, we don't have the same "nerds-and-cool-ppl" division-mentality over here. I haven't seen any of it here to be honest, only on TV in American TV-series and college movies

[Shaggy]

Ha Ha, always fun to read your posts Ark.

[Arkacia]

Next entry, this one had me in stitches .

Fathers then & now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages....

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.
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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.
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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.
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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

[FFnut]

Genius. Pure genius. Brings a tear to my eye. From laughter.

[Spiff]

I got this in an e-mail.

Subject : Guns

US Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines.

[Arkacia]

Thats a good one Spiff .

To keep up the army theme....

Who Is Calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-a***d colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-a***d colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked Paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

[Spiff]

Here's a new one:

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

[Arkacia]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but as I'm one of those who isn't too keen on GW Bush (to say the least), I laughed my head of at this one .


Presidential Advice

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure
moving

in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater," replied Abe.

[Totorosama]

Lol! A private was scrubbing the floor one time when a sergeant went to the vending machine nearby to get a drink.
He only had a 5 dollar bill, so he said," Hey, private, you got change for a five?"
The private responded," I sure do, buddy."
The sergeant: "That's no way to respond to a superior officer! Let me ask you again, do youi have change for a five?
The private:" No, sir."

[Spiff]

Recently Donald Rumsfeld concluded a daily briefing to the president by saying:

"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible news!"

The presidential staff sat stunned at his outward show of emotion, anxiously watching as the president slumped in his chair, head in hands.

Finally President Bush looked up and asked:

"How many is a brazillion?"

[Arkacia]

Time for another of my famous, or infamous, lists. I really like this one .

Some possible computer bumper stickers

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

2. <-------- The information went data way

3. The name is Baud...James Baud.

4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

[Totorosama]

There was a flight one day, and once the plane took off, the plane started malfunctioning. Half an hour later, the pilot said," We've encountered some problems, and one engine is down, so the flight will be delayed two hours. Don't worry folks, we've still got three engines left." Half-an hour later, he said the same thing again, except that there were only two engines left. Three hours later, only one engine left, and the flight was going to be delayed six hours total. Then, someone said," If this continues on, we're going to be in the air all day."

[Arkacia]

Chili cook-off.

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NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time of Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

The notes below are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as s judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light duct tape mobile, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: - (Frank is Judge #3).

CHILI #1 - EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI .
Judge #1: -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
Judge #3: -- (Frank) Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.
Judge #1: -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3: -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge #1: -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3: -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 - DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC.
Judge #1: -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge #3: -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.
Judge #1: -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: -- Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3: -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f****d and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks.

CHILI #6 - PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.
Judge #1: -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2: -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3: -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I f****d and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.

CHILI #7- CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.
Judge #1: -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3: -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - KAREN'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI.
Judge #1: -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 f****d, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of him. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?