I'm being REALLY selfish for posting this, but...

[Doctor]

I've got a problem that I've been dealing with for almost a year now, and I'm desperate to get it out, desperate to get it out ANYWHERE, so this is what I have to say...

One of my closest friends, and myself, are always FIGHTING. All the godamn time. I swear, since the first day we even MET we've always been arguing about something. Our fights get so out of control, we've ended up HURTING each other and ourselves very badly because of it We end up fighting over the most stupid, ridiculous things, and most of the time, it's MY fault, because I overreact. I overreact whenever he says something that just bugs me, even a little bit. I overreact whenever he says he's busy and doesn't have time to talk to me, or something. I end up crying every time he tells me how much I take things too hard or too seriously or too whatever and throw the situation out of proportion. Our arguements escalate, and they escalate very rapidly, to the point where we're both threatening to kill ourselves, or even to the point where we (especially he) end up hurting ourselves TRYING to kill ourselves. And then HE tries to calm down, while I'm still in this terribly psychotic, angry, suicidal state, and at that point, I don't trust him, or his apologies, or anything he's saying to me. I can't even begin to tell you about the pain we've both gone through because of all this shit that happens. I don't know how the hell I make it out every time we fight. I don't even know why the hell he or I am still ALIVE right now. That's how incredibly INSANE this problem is.

I'm scared to DEATH, because I love him, SO much, I absolutely ADORE him, I would move mountains and part oceans and even commit f'ing MURDER if I had to, all for him. But our friendship (if we ever even had one, due to all the shit that's happened) is falling apart...

I never want to hurt him, EVER, but I always end up hurting him. I don't know why we're still friends. I have no idea why he just doesn't completely block me out of his life, so that we don't have to hurt each other anymore. I don't know why I don't do that myself. But every time I try to tell him that it would be better if we stopped talking to each other, he pleads for me not to leave. I have NO BLOODY IDEA WHY. We're stuck in this neverending cycle of blaming and feeling guilty and fighting and blaming and feeling guilty and fighting repeating itself over and over and over. I try to make it stop, I've tried and tried and tried to make myself a better person so that I WOULDN'T overreact to everything and start the fighting and continuing this hell...but it never STOPS. We never just...get along, even for one day...and I can't TAKE it anymore.

Every day, I just think about wanting to end it by ending MYSELF. I'm tired of inflicting pain, and I'm tired of pain in turn being inflicted upon myself...

I probably sound whiny, selfish and stupid, crying over something that SHOULDN'T be happening because I'm supposed to be mentally strong enough to be able to fix it, and because I'm supposed to be a good friend. But I'm not...and I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm running out of patience. I'm running out of time. I'm running out of everything I thought I had but never even had in the first place. This problem is just one of many I wish I didn't have...just like any other human being, just like everyone else here...but I'm just...tired. I'm really, really tired.

I'm sorry I had to make this so long...but I really needed to get this all off my chest...to anyone who read this, thank you for taking the time, whether you felt that your time was wasted or not...I don't expect anyone to give me advice, or anything...but I just really, really wanted to get my thoughts out to somewhere, anywhere. But, though this is going to sound even more selfish, I'd appreciate anyone who wants to say anything to say anything...and that's all. That's all..

[Phoenix Flame]

*First Reply! D=

J/K Doc. ^^; Sorry...just had to release some of that tension.

<3

There's two things I have to say...one I'll say here, the other is better reserved for a PM methinks.

You ARE your own person. You're NOT and you don't have to feel responsible for this other person. I know you DO, and you take it upon yourself to genuinely care and love him. You already stated the problem in a nutshell when you said that you try, try, and try to give more of something you never really had in the first place. Although it may be difficult for you to accept, you NEED to put distance between the two of you before something really drastic DOES happen and one or both of you are either hurt too much to lead a 'normal' life, or you both end up dead. ;__; I love you and don't want to see you hurt, BUT I also love you enough to give you my honest opinion in this. Take time away - YOU'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN OUT OF COLORADO FOR GOD SAKES!!! Come crash in Chicago for a while. = D X3

I'll PM ya the other stuff. <3

[Leon]

selfish how come? cant see it happenin ;-/
neecko to tah rescue XD!

*looks @ paragraph 1*
anywayz, i think its really up to u to decide n deal with it; i mean specially when u admit that the fights occur because of stupid and ridiculous stuff -in ur own words- n if that wasnt enough it drives u both to suicidal states

so in a NICE way to say this (which is WAY outta my league 0.0) with all the death n why m i alive, i really don think u really appreciate what's there in life to live for

i don care if gets killed, depression n mourning never in history had solved anything nor did suicide for this matter

@paragraph 2
er 0.0
don be dramatic n wonder why u still know each other, like i said before, make use of the fact that u're still friends n make a choice, either use that chance to mend the broken relationship, u ever told him/her (im not an attentive reader ) how it made u feel? jus talk to him/her n see how far it's willing to go to make ends meet. otherwise ure gonna hafta let it go n agree to disagree, cant force'im/'er to like u back or tolerate u more than their capability n willingness (<-real word? o.O)

so sry im going against phoenix's advice, my granpa always said, "if u're scared of sumtin, u gotta face it 100 times!"
n so, i suggest u tell ur friend exactly what u said in ur post here it'll sum up what u've been through.

in the end u'll figure it all out with him/her no matter what outcome will it be


*whoa, those doc phil episodes really payed off *

[Phoenix Flame]

o_O

I don't think that will work in this situation. I'm SURE that she already spoke with him regarding this stuff (from the content of her post.) If that IS the case, there's really no working this out because of the outcomes of past episodes. Still...there is hope I suppose. Anyway, my real point to counter your post is this: she's already tried, and almost lost her friend and herself in the outcomes...this is a destructive relationship that she DOESN'T need IMHO and time spent apart may help them both to grow. Sometimes its difficult to wrap your noodle around what's going on in the middle of a struggle, and its only when we tear ourselves away for a while to really ask the tough questions will we ever get past/through what the trouble RLY is.

-.-; ...and 'willingness' is a real word. ;p

[kb-sama]

Ahhh Good Call Doc Get Some one elses Take On This I've Told you What I'd Do But may be Our Buddys will Give Better Pointers

[Doctor]

I get what you're saying, guys...and now I'm pondering what's really the right things to do.

I don't want me and my friend to abuse each other anymore. We really care about each other, but we're at the point where our anger gets the better of our love. I'm afraid that the next time we fight, EVERY time we fight, will end up with one of us dead or dying.

I know what you're saying, Leon, about facing my problems. And about how I can't seem to find what I have to live for in my life. Or rather, as you put it, how I don't seem to appreciate what it is I have to live for. And my friend and I somehow manage to talk things out, on some occasions, and we end up making promises to become better people...but it doesn't ever happen. I would LIKE to face this problem, I really would, as I have done before several times, but the outcome is always the same. I don't know what I should do differently, if there is any way to do anythig differently at all. But like you said, I may have to just make a descision on whether we're really GOOD for each other, good enough to be able to tolerate each other...

And John...I don't know if I really want to TEAR myself away from him. But, though I've tried many times, I'll try again.

I think all I can do right now is just try to talk things through with my friend one more time. Like I said, I'm tired, but I've decided that I still need to try, at least one more time...

I really appreciate the support...thank you guys..